Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
