I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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