Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
