Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
