you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
