Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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