This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
