Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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