dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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