everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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