im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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