I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
