I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
