carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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