Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Floor bacon is actually really good
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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