Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
