i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
