Christians are straight up FREAKS
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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