I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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