Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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