I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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