I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
