Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
