After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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