Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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