walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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