At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
