Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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