My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
