haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
