Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
