Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
