is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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