I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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