grandma shit on top of the toilet
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Randomize
