Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
