3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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