grandma shit on top of the toilet
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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