I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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