Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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