i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
