About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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