Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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