Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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