Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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