My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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