Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
the raccoons are back...
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