$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
