I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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