I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
