o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
