How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
