Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
