if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't deserve a penis
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
