you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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